The breakdown of marriages with adopted children…makes one wonder about the children's family tree. When the families of adopted children can no longer live together…it leaves the children with not only a bio family they no longer have…they now will be living apart from at least one adoptive parent. Children grow and as they enter those already confusing teen years, they face a time where adoption related identity issues begin to surface and confusion begins to set in regarding who one is and where they have came from.
As so many families with stepchildren are out there facing heavy everyday issues of life, along with the heavy issues of adoption, stepparents, abandonment and the host of other issues that these children are forced to deal with on a day to day basis by no choice, or action of their own…victims of circumstance if you will…they are forced to simply ‘suck it up' and make the best out of life.
Usually once the parent has remarried, he or she has healed from the divorce or death of their spouse. They are ready to start a new life and to move on. This does not mean, however, that the child has healed, or that he or she is particularly ready to move on and accept a new parent into his or her life. But that is rarely taken into account, the parent remarries, and the child now has a new parent whom he or she did not ask for, and yet must find a way to live with.
This is a lot for a child of any age to deal with. Especially if his or her missing birth parent has abandoned him or her. Someone trying to step in and take on the role of mom or dad, can find a child whom is very resistant to a ‘stranger' doing the job better than the person whom was supposed to be there, causing the child to do his or her best to distance him or herself from the new parent. While this is a protective measure performed by the child, many stepparents are not strong enough to see and push through the fear of rejection and getting close…causing a strained relationship is formed at best, both staying at arms length from one and other.
This is not a functioning family bond, and is healthy neither for the stepparent nor the child. If the time is not taken to speak with the child, and help and allow him or her to deal with the loss of a biological parent, no matter how that loss occurred, than the child cannot adequately move on and accept a new parent into his or her life. There simply becomes too many issues for him or her to deal with, and the child shuts down emotionally, not allowing anyone to get too close emotionally. By keeping everyone at arms length the child feels safer, if someone else were to leave the child, he or she rationalizes that it will not hurt as bad to lose someone, if the child has not allowed them to get emotionally close.
While it is wonderful for the parents when they are able to move on and again find love in their lives, it is important to talk openly with the child about his or her missing biological parents, and to help the child deal with the fact that he or she does not have both biological parents around all the time. By helping the child to work through those heavy emotional issues, one will be allowing the child to heal, and to open up emotionally to get the painful emotions out, as well as to allow the love of the new parent in.
You must also take into consideration:
• Children love very deeply; losing someone seems to be the end of their world for them.
• Children will suck it up so to speak, to keep peace…so be aware that they may adhere to their new lives…but they may not be open about how they really feel.
• Children never forget…if they loved someone…the love is there…even though it is buried to keep from hurting.
• Children adapt…doesn't mean they agree.
• Children grow up…they will remember things you have long forgotten…be sure you have not lied to them…they will one day call you on it.
• Children are so much smarter then most people give them credit for…they know things you think you have hidden…one day they will tell you what you never wanted to hear about what you did to them.
WE ARE ALL PRODUCTS OF OUR CHILDHOOD. IF YOU THINK BACK TO YOUR CHILDHOOD…MAYBE YOU REMEMBER THINGS DONE TO YOU THAT HAVE CAUSED YOU GREAT PAIN. YOUR CHILDREN ARE AS SMART AS YOU WERE…BE HONEST WITH THEM…MAKES NO DIFFERENCE IF THEY ARE BIOLOGICAL OR ADOPTED.
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