I lost my adopted dad to death when I was 10 years old. Since my own dad had left before I was born, this man was the only person I trusted. It was very hard to deal with and still is today, but no one worried about what it did to children back then, only how the wife would go on without him.
This is the year I turn 60 and it is also the year my dad has been gone from my life for 49 years. I have never forgotten him, and every year on the 4th of July I thank God for giving me the 5 years I had with him. In the wee hours of the morning, 5:00 A.M., on the 4th of July in 1959 he lost his fight with cancer. I was 10 and I remember the screaming and crying from all the adults, but what I remember most of all, was not being allowed to tell him bye. My grandmother and adopted mother thought I was too young to see him dead in the house, so I was made to stay out of the way. The part I didn’t understand was being allowed to watch the funeral home personnel take him out of the house on their rolling cot. He was covered up so no one could see him and as they passed down the hall, I remember saying to myself, “Bye Bye Daddy, I Love You”. That was much more devastating to me, than if they had allowed me to go into the bedroom and crawl up in his bed, like I did every night before I went to bed, and tell him bye. After all, I knew he was dying, that would have been so much better for me.
As an adult I struck out to find my real dad. I wanted to know who I was and where I came from. I went through a process that today would astonish the most advanced researcher, but I found him, I also found 6 siblings. I made plans to meet them as soon as I found out; even though I was unable to meet my dad, because he died in Dec. of 1966. I drove all the way to Greasy Creek, Ky. To meet my siblings and visit the grave of a man I had searched for my entire my life. I had two children and believe me I took them with me so they too could meet the family I had talked about all their lives, but could never produce.
Going to my dad’s grave, the grave of the man that was the reason I was on this earth, was very hard, but a trip I have cherished ever since. Even though I could not ask him questions, I would now be able to stop looking over my shoulder for him. I was given a picture of him allowing me to know what he looked like. It allowed me to go on with my life.
I knew who my mother was and I loved her very much. I also knew I was taken away from her for all the wrong reasons. Jealousy and anger causes problems for a lot of people, but when children have to pay for it, it becomes a price no child should have to pay. After I reunited with her, I finally began to heal. It was a very long process to become the mother and daughter we should have been all those years, but we did it. We became as close as any mother and daughter could be. After only 12 years together, on Feb. 17, 1983 the mother that called me her “Angel Behind the Clouds” died in my arms.
The point I would like to make is when a child loses someone they truly love and trust, no matter what the reason, it is as devastating as death. To a child when they can’t see a person such as a parent and/or grandparent that they have bonded with and have a connection to, it tears their world apart.
When parents divorce today they must take parenting classes before their divorce is granted, but since the parents already hate each other, the information goes in one ear and out the other. The children are left with only one parent and so many times the custodial parent hates the ex much more then they love their very own children.
My family has gone through a horrible experience that has cost us over $100,000.00 and left children to deal with the after effects. We are a strong family and one that is doing our best to over come what has been dealt to us, but the children will have to deal with this for the rest of their lives.
I am the President/Founder of Three Sides to Every Story, Inc. based right here in LaGrange, Ga. I would like to encourage everyone that has children, please understand that they have the ability to love so many people. It is very unfair to make them pay the price of giving up a parent and/or grandparents, just because the parents can no longer get along.
For children, divorce and giving up a parent is worse then death to them. They do not understand why one parent and/or the grandparents are just one day gone. They feel as if they are to blame and the pain they are left with is sometimes more then they know how to deal with. It is a pain that never goes away and can cause them to turn into someone completely different then what they were meant to be.
Bessie Hudgins
LaGrange, Ga. |
